When I was diagnosed with my brain tumour on Friday 5th July my oncologist arranged an urgent CT scan to see if there was any further cancer in my body. I had this done really quickly on Tuesday 9th July but had to wait for 3 weeks for the results.
I found out the results on Monday 29th July – so why have I waited till now to share them?
To properly explain this let me share the results – I have small ‘lesions’ in my left lung and my liver.
FFS. Not just one place or possible further spread – but two. Only me. Why can’t I do things easily – why do I have to be so different? So special?!! Anyway the results are what they are – but what do they mean?
They have decided to take biopsies from one of them in my liver as it is the more major organ! (This was done on Monday 5th August). They are now analysing the samples to see which cancer it relates too – Breast cancer number 1, 14 years ago or breast cancer number 2, from 2017 (both breast cancers were completely separate and not related) or is it another ‘new’ cancer? This is me we are talking about so it could be any!! These results will then give my oncologist the important information he needs to plan the treatment on how to treat this bastard – but it will more than likely involve chemo – again.
The lesions are very small but they are there. Both my liver and my lungs are not being affected and both are performing well. I do not have any symptoms and blood tests are normal and there is no fluid surrounding the organs. So in theory if I had not had the CT scan done I would not know that it was there. That in itself is scary.
So that is pretty much it in a nutshell – and again I am waiting. So why am I only sharing this now? This had nothing to do with being in denial, or sticking my head in the sand and pretending that it wasn’t real or that it wasn’t happening. This was something for my immediate family and extended family to ‘process’. So why have I now decided to share?
I always said that my blog was going to be open and honest and nothing would be taboo so how could I honestly share my cancer experience, the highs and lows if I didn’t share the truth. This is just another hurdle to overcome and I am facing it and ready to fight it head on. So this was the main reason. Why didn’t I want to share it? – There is nothing that you or my family can say to make this situation any different. This new information has probably shortened my life by a few years further but it is not that doom and gloom situation. This is only the start of my treatment and who knows what advances are being made and how my outlook will pan out and change. Again I am not being naive but I am not on my way out yet!! When I heard the results of course I was shocked and stunned but I didn’t have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t feel any different today from how I did the previous week when I didn’t have a clue about any of it and if anything I am filled with even more determination to fight, to find out more about my new chosen alkaline lifestyle, to seek further complimentary support from the Penny Brohn Centre and to do everything in my power to make sure that I can be and will be here for many a year to come.
Yes it is scary – and I would be a fool if I said I wasn’t, but it’s not a dark and despaired feeling, it is the feeling of the unknown. It is something that the majority of people take for granted – but in truth we don’t really know. It is important to live in the here and now and it is learning to change your mindset to accept this for what it is and not just expecting to live to a ripe old age. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.