WOW …

So I thought my doctor was signing me of for a week but he actually signed me off for a month! After two weeks I felt ready to go back but in hind sight I am glad I have had the extra time. It was a dark time and I really don’t want to feel like that again. I am still extremely tired, but not overwhelmingly like before. I am in a much better place now than I was and have actually started to feel like my old self again – I feel like I am getting on top of my sleep and feeling emotionally stronger – just in time for chemo number 4!!

Before this next cycle of chemo I had a full PET scan to see how my cancer was responding. If I had responded well I may not need to have any further chemo, so I had the scan and then only had to wait two days till I got the results. But they were two long days! Lots of things went through my mind – has the cancer spread anywhere else, has it gotten worse? I was getting out of breathe after simple tasks so I thought the cancer in my lungs was growing. I couldn’t help these fears, worries, anxieties or whatever you want to call them. I suppose its completely normal, no matter how hard you try or how positive you are. Every time, except for one, when I have walked through a consultant’s door, I have been given bad news. So perhaps I was sort of protecting myself by expecting bad news.

But boy was I was wrong!! So I sat there in front of my consultant, my chemo nurse and beside Neil waiting for my results. Originally I had 3 lesions in my liver and several in my lungs. After 3 cycles of chemo I I was told that two of the lesions in my liver had completely gone and the one remaining was no longer of significant concern and the lesions in my lungs had completely gone. This was the best news we could have had. My body is technically cancer free and I have never been told that before. Such an amazing response after a relatively short time. But to be honest I didn’t really know how to react or respond and I wasn’t really sure how the others in the room expected me to react. I don’t really know how I felt and I still don’t. Is it because l know I will be living with cancer for the rest of my life, we know that it is very likely to come back – although we don’t know when. It could be months or years or maybe it won’t come back at all –  we don’t know. I should be over the moon – but I’m not. Don’t get me wrong I am extremely relieved, and I couldn’t have wished for better, but perhaps it is the results of my MRI scan that makes me apprehensive about celebrating too soon.

My consultant decided I would still have chemo no 4 but would not need the last two planned cycles. So no more chemo! I shall have another full body scan at the end of January and review then. I still need to have my Herceptin and Pertuzamab every three weeks so my treatment continues – but no chemo drugs for now!! I have had my MRI scan done and I see my consultant next week to go through the report. What will be will be and fingers crossed I get some more good news and then what a Christmas it will be!! I will have an amazing Christmas regardless but this would be the cherry on the cake. So again we wait – I’m getting good at that!!