August 2020

So August has seen the return of Ali in to the big bad world!! I have had my nails done, my hair cut and celebrated with going out for dinner with good friends. I have also been able to do my own shopping!! – which felt strange but I wasn’t unnecessarily worried, just wary. I am hoping to return to work in some kind of capacity come September – so normality is resuming.

When I had my last treatment there was a lady who had had her last cancer treatment and ‘rang the bell’. It was a bitter sweet moment. I was so pleased for her that she is free of this dreadful awful disease and a moment of reflection that I will never ring that bell. I’m not bitter, nor begrudge her or feel why her and not me. It’s the way it is.

August marks the three month point and time for all my scans etc. I had my MRI scan done and results on Tuesday 18th August 2020. Of course I was worried about the result but not overly so as these results would hopefully tell me if it was scar tissue or if it was the tumour growing back. My consultant phoned me and said that the main tumour site was stable, horray, but they have unfortunatley found 2 new tumours at the back left hand side of my brain. Well – I wasn’t expecting that! We didnt really talk about the 0.5 mm change so I am assuming that this must have been scar tissue as the site remains stable and that’s good news. And so to the 2 new ones. They are very tiny apparently and he is fairly confident that he can get rid of them, so again this is good news. The bad news is that they are there at all!! They are doing gamma knife treatment next Thursday – so thankfully not long to wait. The other bad news is that I have to have the head frame which is screwed in to my head. I’m not exaggerating! – this wooden and metal frame is attached to my head to keep it completely still whilst the treatment takes place. The tumours are so tiny there is no room for error so this cage completely immobilises my head. I also have to go on my own due to covid restrictions so I will have to ask the nurse to take a picture of me so I can show you all!! I would prefer if Neil was with me but in a way I am glad that he can’t come as I don’t want him or the girls to see me in it. Although I will show them the photos!! I remember my consultant saying to me in the beginning that it looked like something they would have used as a part of medieval torture so I’m really looking forward to that!! I have had a covid test done, and it wasn’t as uncomfortable as some people have said, infact the nurse and I ended up in fits of giggles! I have to self-isolate until my treatment date – I have my PET scan on Monday but that’s okay. That date has been changed once so I am not changing it again!! I will get these results on Wednesday so another big week next week. Scan, results and treatment. Bring it on!!!

How do I feel? That’s a good question!! – I feel numb – I am more worried about having the frame fitted than I am about the new tumours!! I have said before that I have struggled over these last few months and a lot of it is has been because I feel completely detatched from my emotions – I can’t cry – I was always a cryer – I would cry at silly adverts, films, the silliest of things, I would even cry when other people cried! but yet when I was told I had cancer, or that I have two new tumours – there was nothing. Why can’t I cry? Why don’t I ‘feel’ anything? Is this normal? Is this my way of coping? Or am I just becoming a hard bitch?!! I don’t know. But with the help of an amazing counsellor I am starting to work through things and feeling brighter and stronger emotionally every day. This is my life now – cancer is with me all the time – it’s like that friend who hangs around all the time that you don’t really want!! I don’t want to spend my time living from scan to scan and worrying all the time about the what ifs, and buts – Cancer if part of my life and I am going to embrace it. I am Ali – that’s all – this is me.