I’m back! …

Hi everyone – I’ve had some time away recently but I’m doing okay and hope you are too.

A quick recap – I have had some more brain treatment done back in January for 3 more wee tumours they found. I didn’t have to wear the cage this time thankfully so just the really tight face mask which my oncologist said after that I looked like a waffle!!

I started a new treatment just before Christmas and when I had my body scan in January just 3 weeks later I had had a really good response with shrinkage to my 2 liver tumours and the one in my lungs. So that was really positive. The new drug is just recently licenced and apparently my oncologist said that I was the first patient in the South West to have it!!

Scans in April still showed stability which was fantastic news as I always dread this time and now in June we are fast approaching that time again. I hope that the treatment is still working its magic and I remain stable but as always I will deal with it if it is not.

This is me today wearing my new ‘Rebellious Hope’ T-Shirt. There has been a lot in the news lately about Dame Deborah James and her journey which is so full of inspiration, hope and of course sadness. You cannot get away from the fact of what comes when there is no more that doctors or modern medicine can do you for you and it is so unfair – Cancer f****** sucks. Yesterday a friend on a Facebook support page told us that she is beginning her final chapter and that she is calm and at peace and is going to enjoy every moment left. She told us all to laugh, dance and make beautiful memories with those we love every day. I admire her bravery and her honesty but I cried, not only for her, but selfishly for myself. This is a chapter I still don’t want to write but with stable scans and medication still having a positive effect on my cancer I plan and hope to be around for many more years.

Death is a subject we do not like to talk about but happens to us all. This is the one thing we can all be certain of – but we just don’t know when. So it is a subject that we shouldn’t shy away from. When I was younger I used to be really scared of dying – I don’t really know why but the thought of there being nothing frightened me. But when you are suddenly faced with the harsh realities of life you start to look at things differently. My oncologist even said to me that he couldn’t tell me how long I had, no doctor can, only God knows. Since this became a closer reality than I would like, my faith has continued to grow and after speaking to my cousin, who had a horrific motorbike accident in Ireland and was about an hour away from death – it wasn’t his time, I have found comfort in our many chats. My daughter also me that your body is only one part of who you are, you have memories, thoughts, your spirit/soul, and this has to go on to somewhere.

I am having a hard time with this at the moment, I am no longer scared but sometimes I have this overwhelming feeling which is all consuming of dying. There it is – in a nutshell. I’ve said it – well, written it down! It is always with me and I don’t know why it is so much in the forefront of my thoughts. I am stable, I am feeling really well, I am only on my second line of treatment, but yet I can’t seem to shake of this new ‘friend’ who seems to have an attachment to me at the moment. But life it strange, and life goes on and will continue to do so even after all of us are gone. I’m not being morbid, and I am not looking for any pity, that is not what this is about, but it is about facing what is a reality for us all and not being afraid to express our thoughts.

Live every day. Be thankful for every day and no matter how hard it might be I will keep fighting, keep smiling and keep being me. And in the words of Dave Allen – ‘May your God go with you’.