Its been a while since I last wrote in my blog and I am sorry I have been away for so long. Somehow I have lost my mojo! I have had no energy, no motivation to do anything and I haven’t wanted to do anything, go anywhere or speak to anyone.
A recap from Christmas, although it seems strange to talk about it when it was almost three months ago. Anyone who knows me, knows that Christmas is my most favourite time of year. I have always tried to make Christmas a very special time of year right from when the children were wee, to now when they are 27 and 25 and now that I have my beautiful granddaughter the magic has become even more alive again even though she is still a wee bit wee to understand it all!
This was my 4th Christmas since my stage 4 diagnosis in July 2019, 3 years 7 months ago, so each Christmas becomes more special than the one before, making memories for my family to cherish and remember.
My sister came over to visit us at the end of November which was just lovely to see her and spend some quality time. Whilst she was here, I had my MRI brain scan results which showed that everything is stable – no change, nothing new! God I was so relieved. I will now have my scans every 4 months which is a positive. My next scan is due at the end of March. I have now been stable for a year. However, my liver remains another story.
I have had 5 cycles of my new chemo drug Enhertu and had my PET scan at the beginning of January to see if the drug was working and my liver was responding. This is my third line treatment – and I don’t know how many options I have. Every time I have a change it is one more option that has been taken away but there are new treatments becoming available all the time so you must always have hope. It would be so lovely to have positive news at the beginning of this year, my overall situation hasn’t and won’t change but it would be lovely to start on a positive note – but you know I will deal with whatever happens. I never make New Year Resolutions but my ultimate goal for this year would be to reach NEAD – no evidence of active disease – to go into full remission – even for a little while. And why shouldn’t it happen to me? But if it doesn’t hopefully the next treatment will keep me going and give me the chance to have another wonderful Christmas 2023. Well I received my results and I am so pleased and relieved to tell you that the cancer in my liver and lungs is completely undetected. What an amazing result! I am cancer clear – for however long that might be. What an incredible start to 2023. I have now had 7 cycles with my 8th due on Wednesday and my next scan is at the beginning of April. So I should be over the moon – so why am I am feeling so low, so despondent, so unmotivated??
The most important thing to me is for me to continue to keep well not only physically but also mentally. I have always believed that a positive mental attitude is very important to me in my continued journey and whilst I have been in this strange phase I have questioned my positivity – but I am not looking at this with doom and gloom or with a potentially bleak outcome. I just don’t know why I have been feeling like this. It is hard to be constantly upbeat, smiling and being positive, telling everyone that I am fine and everything is going to be ok. But sometimes it is easier than telling people how you actually feel. To be honest I don’t even really know how I feel. People then don’t know what to say and I feel it puts people in an awkward position and promotes sympathy which is something I have never wanted or looked for. Maybe this is me having some down time? I just wish someone would could give me a hug, hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be alright.
‘You don’t have to be positive all the time. It’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared, or anxious. Having feelings doesn’t make you a ‘negative person’. It makes you human.’ (Lori Deschene)