I’m Just Ali ..

This week is 9 weeks since my op and 14 weeks since my diagnosis.

As I’ve said before sometimes not a lot happens. Thankfully I am still feeling physically well.

I am still surprised by the response to my blog and that it has even reached people I don’t know. If you know anyone that this could help that may not be able to access it then please feel free to share my website address with them.  memyselfandbreastcancer.com

I came home from coaching gymnastics on Tuesday to the most beautiful, thoughtful and kindest gift I could have been given. My Harry Potter inspirational quote in a picture frame. I was so overcome by this kindness that I cried as it was so not expected; and again on Thursday one of my parents brought me in a ‘goody’ basket with lots of lovely, thoughful things that I can use everyday which was so kind. Thank you both so much. xx

I am always surprised by messages and acts of kindness – I am obviously liked by a few! Something that I sometimes find hard to believe!!

All my friends, work colleagues, aquaintances  etc. tell me how amazing I am, that I am such an inspiration and a lot of them cant believe I’m back to work. I am strong and I am a fighter and I will fight until I have no fight left. I will beat this again.

I am so pleased that my blog and my demeanour promotes me as an inspirational person – but – I don’t always feel like it – in fact I don’t really feel it at all. I’m just Ali.

BUT –

It is hard. Bloody hard. Everyday getting up seeing myself as the ‘real’ me and then I put on my prostheses and wig and become the ‘normal’ me. It is almost like there are 3 Ali’s. The one for work and everyday people, one for my family and friends, and the one when I am on my own. They all overlap of course and what you see is me, it is not a façade but I sometimes have to work at it. There is never a minute of the day that I don’t think about my Cancer. It is the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think about in the morning.

I don’t want sympathy or ‘oh poor Ali’ but because I am currently so well and look so well (so I am told!) that it is easy to forget what I am going through and battling on a daily basis. But this is the case with many ‘unseen’ diseases such as MS, fibromyalgia, mental health issues, depression, chronic fatigue syndrome to name but a few. Because you look well you must be well.

These last couple of weeks I have found difficult and have struggled to be ‘me’. (Bet you couldn’t tell that from this post!!) I don’t really know why. Sometimes the feeling takes over and it is like you are in a bubble and all you can think of is the Cancer, what effect it is having on you and on your close family and friends, and even the question of will I beat it again. I want to be well and I want to survive and see my girls grown up and married and me grow old playing with my grandchildren. There should be no reason why I won’t, but there is always that ‘what if’ in my head. It is a scary thought and it doesn’t happen that often but it always close by.

I have one more cycle of the current chemo drugs that I am on and then I start the new drug. I will be honest and say that I am worried about this new drug as some of the side effects can be nasty. I don’t know how I will react, as I have said before everyone reacts differently so it is a wait and see scenario.

I wasn’t going to post this as it is more negative and shows me from a different side but I think it is important to let you know that I am not being blasé and saying that chemo is a breeze – it is not – I am not always strong – but I am well and that is good. I am thankful.

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2 thoughts on “I’m Just Ali ..

  1. So glad you posted this
    So proud of you

    Was your treatment effected at all by the snowy weather last week?

    Looking forward to your next post ❤️

    Like

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