I’m Just Ali ..

This week is 9 weeks since my op and 14 weeks since my diagnosis.

As I’ve said before sometimes not a lot happens. Thankfully I am still feeling physically well.

I am still surprised by the response to my blog and that it has even reached people I don’t know. If you know anyone that this could help that may not be able to access it then please feel free to share my website address with them.  memyselfandbreastcancer.com

I came home from coaching gymnastics on Tuesday to the most beautiful, thoughtful and kindest gift I could have been given. My Harry Potter inspirational quote in a picture frame. I was so overcome by this kindness that I cried as it was so not expected; and again on Thursday one of my parents brought me in a ‘goody’ basket with lots of lovely, thoughful things that I can use everyday which was so kind. Thank you both so much. xx

I am always surprised by messages and acts of kindness – I am obviously liked by a few! Something that I sometimes find hard to believe!!

All my friends, work colleagues, aquaintances  etc. tell me how amazing I am, that I am such an inspiration and a lot of them cant believe I’m back to work. I am strong and I am a fighter and I will fight until I have no fight left. I will beat this again.

I am so pleased that my blog and my demeanour promotes me as an inspirational person – but – I don’t always feel like it – in fact I don’t really feel it at all. I’m just Ali.

BUT –

It is hard. Bloody hard. Everyday getting up seeing myself as the ‘real’ me and then I put on my prostheses and wig and become the ‘normal’ me. It is almost like there are 3 Ali’s. The one for work and everyday people, one for my family and friends, and the one when I am on my own. They all overlap of course and what you see is me, it is not a façade but I sometimes have to work at it. There is never a minute of the day that I don’t think about my Cancer. It is the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think about in the morning.

I don’t want sympathy or ‘oh poor Ali’ but because I am currently so well and look so well (so I am told!) that it is easy to forget what I am going through and battling on a daily basis. But this is the case with many ‘unseen’ diseases such as MS, fibromyalgia, mental health issues, depression, chronic fatigue syndrome to name but a few. Because you look well you must be well.

These last couple of weeks I have found difficult and have struggled to be ‘me’. (Bet you couldn’t tell that from this post!!) I don’t really know why. Sometimes the feeling takes over and it is like you are in a bubble and all you can think of is the Cancer, what effect it is having on you and on your close family and friends, and even the question of will I beat it again. I want to be well and I want to survive and see my girls grown up and married and me grow old playing with my grandchildren. There should be no reason why I won’t, but there is always that ‘what if’ in my head. It is a scary thought and it doesn’t happen that often but it always close by.

I have one more cycle of the current chemo drugs that I am on and then I start the new drug. I will be honest and say that I am worried about this new drug as some of the side effects can be nasty. I don’t know how I will react, as I have said before everyone reacts differently so it is a wait and see scenario.

I wasn’t going to post this as it is more negative and shows me from a different side but I think it is important to let you know that I am not being blasé and saying that chemo is a breeze – it is not – I am not always strong – but I am well and that is good. I am thankful.