Survivor’s Guilt

There is a survivor’s guilt. Why do some people survive and live another day and some people are not so lucky? It’s very hard to deal with – I am still here. I am thankful that I am still here, but feel so sad for those who aren’t – why them and not me?

I have had a few comments this evening of my post  and whilst these post are hugely supportive and lovely it made me think. I think about this a lot but don’t often share it but it needs to be shared and  I think you will understand why.

When I had cancer the first time round I was diagnosed in the January. A close friend’s sister was diagnosed in the February. We both had treatment and unfortunately she passed away in the December of the same year. I didn’t know how to react. I saw my friend regularly. What could I say? I was still here, still fighting, but feeling so guilty, why  her and not me? It was difficult. That might sound weird – I wanted to be here and I am glad I am here – but when you know someone who have lost the battle its a hard thing to deal with.

I have lost friends. I won’t name them but those who read this blog will know who they are. There is one that I always think about – she was an amazing woman, loving human being and I think if you were her friend she would do anything for you. She was funny and so loving and nothing was ever an problem. Her daughter was one my daughter’s best friends through school. She was an amazing lady and although we weren’t mega close friends she was a friend. Her 2 girls are a huge credit to her and I am so pleased that our paths still cross. She was an inspiration and I am so blessed that I knew her.

When you experience this there are no words as to how you feel. Why? Why am I alive and they are not? (Sorry this is deep!! Maybe a bit too deep!!) – so I don’t really know how to end this post except I am thankful for being here and fighting another day but I am always mindful of others – those going through the same thing – and ALWAYS those who have not been be so fortunate.


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