Isn’t it funny how something can completely take over your life and you can become so engrossed in it that you can lose who you are? Well that is what this week has become – I am still that cancer patient so wrapped up in everything that is going on, that needs to be done, sorted and organised that I have become lost. Who am I? Where am I?

My port placement had to be postponed because I got an infection but thankfully it was done on Saturday morning. I was a bit nervous but not as much as I thought I would be. Perhaps the fact that it had to be postponed just made me think lets get it done and out of the way. Another box ticked. I was having local anaesthetic and sedation. To be honest I don’t think they gave me any sedation at all!! After the first lot was given the consultant performing the procedure asked if I was feeling more relaxed and I said ‘eh not really!!’. So they gave me some more and then another dose before the port was inserted. I didn’t feel sleepy or anything but it did go better than I expected it and it wasn’t too uncomfortable. They monitored me for an hour or so in my own private room. Lunch was a beautiful wholefoods salad with a peppermint tea! They certainly know how to look after you.

So I felt okay and headed home. On a happy note my sister arrived from Cyprus that evening for the week and it was so lovely to see her and for her to see me feel and look so well at the start of this journey. It is always so hard when you are so far away from each other and you only have the phone for contact. So I have had some time to relax and catch up with my sister and am now in preparation for my first chemo tomorrow. So I will update you all as to how it goes.

 

 

 

I had my liver biopsies done on Monday 5th August. I wasn’t allowed to eat from 7:00 a.m. and my appointment was 10:30 a.m. The nurse who looked after me was very caring and attentive – in fact, at times,  was a wee bit to attentive – even for me!! I had to give her a bit of a background and when I said out loud that I had a brain tumour it suddenly made everything much more real. As it was considered a surgical procedure I had to put on a gown and off I went.

The local anaesthetic was a bit stingy as I am sure some of you will know they can be. I had a couple around the incision site and then off he went. I closed my eyes and he was telling me everything he was doing each step of the way. I didn’t really want to know!! Once he started the nurse was rubbing my legs and ankles and then came and held my hand which I was thought was a little strange until there it was – a push, a sicky feeling in the pit of my stomach, a pressure and an ‘ouch’!!! The doctor THEN said I might feel that as the biopsy needle went into my liver! He failed to tell me that bit!! So one done and another to do. Thankfully he was happy with both samples and he didn’t have to go back for a third! He said I made his job very easy as it wasn’t easy to get to!!

I was taken back to the observation room where my blood pressure and pulse were monitored for 4 hours. I was able to eat and drink after an hour. I was pretty tired and dozed on and off for the first hour but it must have been so boring for Neil and Amy. I took the following day of work and this turned out to be a rather good idea! – I was tired and quite tender – and it’s not like me to say actually I need to stay in bed!!

So following the procedure how do I feel? It felt uncomfortable but not painful. The doctor was great and the nursing staff were very caring and attentive. Having to talk about my brain tumour, well even mentioning it, made it real. Lying there in the ‘operating’ room, made it real. Being in the gown, lying on the bed, being monitored and checked – it made it all fucking real. I had become a cancer patient. This is actually happening. I have a brain tumour which is very possibly secondary breast cancer. I have cancer spots on my lungs and liver, also very possibly secondary breast cancer. Cancer and I are now in a long term relationship – but I am the one in charge. I am the one calling all the shots. I have cancer but cancer doesn’t have me.

The results should be back within 10 working days but they were in fact back within a week and I had an appointment with my oncologist on Wednesday 14th August. This is good as in the grand scheme of things we don’t really want to be hanging around.

So – the results – the cancer in my liver relates to my breast cancer that I had 14 years ago. I thought it might be but it was still a bit of a shock. My oncologist said that it was ‘good news’ as in there are more treatment options available to me and it responds better to treatment. He said that it was also unusual as Herceptin related cancers are normally quite aggressive and reoccur or spread within the first 4 to 5 years – not 14!! But then again this is me we are talking about!!

Professor Bahl was talking ‘some’ years down the line, but he didn’t want to give me a false sense of security. I said I understood but at this moment in time I don’t need or want specifics. ‘Some’ years down the line was sufficient – I am well, fighting this head on and my treatment is only beginning so we don’t need to be considering that route – yet.

So the plan is for chemo which will be done at the Spire hospital at Aztec West which is so much easier than fighting my way to BRI. It will involve 6 cycles of chemo and another combination drug over 18 weeks every 3 weeks. That takes me up to Christmas Day! Part of the drugs will be given to me every three weeks for the rest of my life or until they stops working, but then there are other options available, so that’s quite a lot to take on board. My first chemo is scheduled for Wednesday 28th August. This will take 6 hours as there is a chance of an allergic reaction to the Herceptin but the drugs themselves will take a total of 4 hours. Joy!! It’s going to be a long day.

Before my chemo starts I need several more tests – including a PET scan, heart scan, blood tests and a surgical procedure for a Port to be fitted which is a device that will be fitted into my chest through which the chemo will be administered. (more details of this will follow in my next blog). Some of these tests were done today and the port placement is being done Wednesday. I am not looking forward to this procedure. It will be done under a local anaesthetic and sedation. I will let you know how it goes once I have recovered somewhat. 

Its all moving so fast and I haven’t really have much time to process things. This is probably a good thing and perhaps once Wednesday’s procedure is over I can relax a little and think about what has happened over these last few weeks and what is to come.

When I was diagnosed with my brain tumour on Friday 5th July my oncologist arranged an urgent CT scan to see if there was any further cancer in my body.  I had this done really quickly on Tuesday 9th July but had to wait for 3 weeks for the results.

I found out the results on Monday 29th July – so why have I waited till now to share them?

To properly explain this let me share the results – I have small ‘lesions’ in my left lung and my liver.

FFS. Not just one place or possible further spread – but two. Only me. Why can’t I do things easily – why do I have to be so different? So special?!! Anyway the results are what they are – but what do they mean?

They have decided to take biopsies from one of them in my liver as it is the more major organ! (This was done on Monday 5th August). They are now analysing the samples to see which cancer it relates too – Breast cancer number 1, 14 years ago or breast cancer number 2, from 2017 (both breast cancers were completely separate and not related) or is it another ‘new’ cancer? This is me we are talking about so it could be any!! These results will then give my oncologist the important information he needs to plan the treatment on how to treat this bastard –  but it will more than likely involve chemo – again.

The lesions are very small but they are there. Both my liver and my lungs are not being affected and both are performing well. I do not have any symptoms and blood tests are normal and there is no fluid surrounding the organs. So in theory if I had not had the CT scan done I would not know that it was there. That in itself is scary.

So that is pretty much it in a nutshell – and again I am waiting. So why am I only sharing this now? This had nothing to do with being in denial, or sticking my head in the sand and pretending that it wasn’t real or that it wasn’t happening. This was something for my immediate family and extended family to ‘process’. So why have I now decided to share?

 I always said that my blog was going to be open and honest and nothing would be taboo so how could I honestly share my cancer experience, the highs and lows if I didn’t share the truth.  This is just another hurdle to overcome and I am facing it and ready to fight it head on. So this was the main reason. Why didn’t I want to share it? – There is nothing that you or my family can say to make this situation any different. This new information has probably shortened my life by a few years further but it is not that doom and gloom situation. This is only the start of my treatment and who knows what advances are being made and how my outlook will pan out and change. Again I am not being naive but I am not on my way out yet!! When I heard the results of course I was shocked and stunned but I didn’t have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t feel any different today from how I did the previous week when I didn’t have a clue about any of it and if anything I am filled with even more determination to fight, to find out more about my new chosen alkaline lifestyle, to seek further complimentary support from the Penny Brohn Centre and to do everything in my power to make sure that I can be and will be here for many a year to come.

Yes it is scary – and I would be a fool if I said I wasn’t, but it’s not a dark and despaired feeling, it is the feeling of the unknown. It is something that the majority of people take for granted – but in truth we don’t really know. It is important to live in the here and now and it is learning to change your mindset to accept this for what it is and not just expecting to live to a ripe old age. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Since my recent diagnosis I have been doing research into a lot of supporting things that I can do to help my body be the healthiest and fittest that I can possibly make it and a main theme seems to run through it – and that is your diet.

I am reading a fabulous book by Jane McLelland called ‘How to Starve Cancer’ and the clue is in the title!! It is about working alongside conventional medicine with diet, vitamin supplements and other over the counter medicines working together that denies cancer cells the main ingredients and nutrients that they thrive on, slowing down their ability to change and grow.

Also on looking into this further I came across the Alkaline Diet by Ross Bridgeford which has really given me food for thought! It is not a diet in the sense that we know it but it will help you lose weight – it is a change of lifestyle and one that I am excited about. There is so much information out there about this and what fuels cancer cells. I won’t go all technical but give you an overview as to why I am now following an alkaline lifestyle.

The main concept is focusing on the majority of your food and drinks that will have an alkaline forming effect on your body to help support it maintain its delicate pH balance, whilst limiting the acid-forming ones.

The science and technical stuff!! – The body has a natural pH of 7.365 which it has to maintain when it changes due to the things we eat and drink. Our body HAS to and WILL maintain this at all costs.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR pH – so what is the point of changing? The goal is not to make your body ‘more alkaline’ but to give your body all the tools it needs, so it can effortlessly MAINTAIN your pH balance as 7.365. When your body has to work hard to bring your pH level  back from acid to alkaline it causes incredible stress on our bodies  which can have far reaching consequences.

So what is an Alkaline diet? – alkaline forming foods are foods like leafy greens, fresh foods, veggies, salad vegetables, healthy oils, nuts, seeds and proper hydration. You need to limit or preferably avoid acid forming foods such as sugar, processed foods, junk food, gluten containing grains, excessive meat and dairy and alcohol. So it is literally a vegetarian/vegan diet but I am also eating salmon and tuna at least once a week for additional  protein.

Through out my reading so far sugar features heavily as one of the biggest contributors and should be avoided as much as possible. Cancer cells are always hungry and sugar gives them the energy they need to thrive.

What am I doing? Making it easy –

1. Eat lots of green vegetables, lots of salad with every meal and adding things like spinach to salads, soups, curries etc.
2. Drink plenty of water – preferably filtered
3. Eat healthy fats and oils. I use coconut oil. Healthy fats are essential to our health and energy. This supports your liver, kidneys, brain health, skin and digestive system to mention but a few, to help heal and nourish the important organs.
4. Finally limit your fruit intake. Particularly bananas, pineapple and oranges as they have the highest sugar content. Stick to berries, grapefruit and watermelon in moderation. Also something I learned is that is it not a good idea to have fruit in smoothies – why? well fruit contains fructose and when it is made into juice the fibres have been removed and therefore it is delivered to your liver in one quick hit and this is incredibly acid-forming and puts our body under immense stress.

There is so much to learn and understand and whilst this won’t cure cancers, working hand in hand with modern medicine definitely seems to help, even hamper and slow down cell growth and I will try anything to help fuel my body to be in the best possible shape to ensure I continue to fight this disease with everything I can possibly can.

 

These most recent blogs are all a little factual and just a chronological order of what has happened during my  first two new treatments. I think that it is important to record these as everyone’s journey is different and they are scary – especially when you don’t know what to expect.

Yesterday I had my 2nd MRI scan to check what the tumour was doing and to help plan my next treatment accurately which was done today. As we waited the nurse came over and said that they were going to take me to use the MRI scanner in the Childrens Hospital as it would be quicker and we joked that it was because I had a small head and as I was wee I didn’t need to use the adult one!! She said that the scanner in the Childrens was also more therapeutic. Well – that was an absolute laugh!! It was just the same and so loud this time it was anything but therapeutic!

My treatment was scheduled at 9:00 a.m. I had the mask put on to have the first head scan done which helps again to pinpoint my treatment.  Whilst I was about to go in I saw my neurologist who told me that I had responded well to the first treatment and it was positive news in that the tumour has shrunk by almost half. I smiled and said that was really good news and just what I needed to hear. I then proceeded to cry and then for some strange reason I clapped my hands in delight!!!

There is still a long way to go but it was more than I had imagined or even possibly hoped for. Of course we were hoping for some shrinkage but almost half in the first treatment was just incredible to hear and another positive to focus on.

The treatment itself took 37 minutes and they did let me know when 10 minutes were left to go, but it wasn’t as scary this time as I think knowing what to expect the process seemed to go much quicker today. Neil and Amy came in while I was being prepped and they took pictures! The mask was much tighter this time, in fact so tight I couldn’t speak! It really was a second skin and there was no way I was moving once I was strapped on to that table! Once the treatment had finished and the mask came off I looked liked I had lizard skin!! And it took about 15 minutes for the markings to go away!

On a more serious note, I am feeling fairly tired but I didn’t really sleep brilliantly last night – I wasn’t really worried about today but I just found it difficult to switch my brain off – lots of questions but no real fears or dreads. I am also quite drained – it has also been a fairly emotional day. I had this week off work and to be honest I am so glad I did as what a busy week this has turned out to be!!

To end the week I have no more appointments so we are having a family day out in Bath, relax, recoup and spend some quality time together. Some well earned and deserved – even if I do say so myself!

So for all your delight here are the pictures!!

 

 

 

Here we are again. But this time the journey is not one that is the same. I head into new territory and not sure where our destination will end. Thursday 19th July saw my first ‘Gamma Knife’ treatment and I am preparing for my second MRI scan and next treatment on Wednesday and Thursday 31st July and 1st August.

Neil and I went to the BRI for 7:00 a.m. and after hearing all week about the disruption of the Extinction Rebellion by Thursday they had moved on so we thankfully we had no trouble!! We went to have another MRI scan so that they could see what the lovely little lump was doing and plan my treatment accordingly.

I was having a mask made as my treatment will be in three sessions. This helps to keep my head completely still while the treatment is being done so that they touch as little as they can of the good cells. If you have it in one session you are in a wooden type frame which completely immobilises your head! One lady I met during my time there was called Elaine. She had this fitted and to be honest I am so glad I didn’t have to have this – it looked somewhat medieval and almost torturous!! (These are the words of my neurologist – and I would agree with him!) She was a bit of an eccentric lady and quite funny. She took selfies and made jokes but every once in a while she would start crying and saying things like ‘I don’t want to lose me’ or ‘I’m not ready’ but then she would quickly transform. This was her reality and not one that I was ready to be a part of. I felt like I was intruding – but we bonded and chatted over matching tattoos and she was a lovely lady.

Once the MRI scan was done it was just waiting for the planning, the mask being made and then the treatment. The mask I can liken to a fencing mask I suppose but much tighter. It was warmed up, stretched tightly over my face and pressed down to make an imprint which hardened after about 10 mins. I guess I might have been feeling how the Man in the Iron Mask must have felt! The treatment itself took about 30 minutes but blimey can 30 minutes seem very long! I was strapped to the treatment table in my mask and they played music whilst the treatment was done. I laid as still as I could but after a while I got very hot, my mouth was very dry and in the end I thought right I have had enough now – I needed to get out of this mask, and thankfully it was only another few moments till I could. I think next time I will ask for a 10 minute to finish time! It was all painless and then that was it. More steroids, new plan for the next two weeks and back for my next MRI scan the day before my next treatment on 1st August.

So I have been lucky again with no side effects and feeling remarkably well! A bit of a fraud but now I know what to expect next time and hopefully the tumour is shrinking.

Well where do I begin. A year down the line and I am the fittest, slimmest and the happiest person I have been in several years. I love my job, my friends and things are going well – but something wasn’t right. On Friday 5th July following an MRI scan, apart from discovering I actually had a brain! they also told me I had a ‘large’ single deposit fossa metastasis, which basically means a tumour at the back of my head. Holy fuck! (sorry, excuse my language) but no other words seem to be enough – ‘oh dear’ just doesn’t cut it!! So here I am, 49 years old, having a 3rd battle to fight.

So here are some medical facts …

I have breast cancer in my brain. It is a brain tumour but not in the true sense of the word. The cells are made up of the breast cancer cells I have had. Apparently anyone who is diagnosed with a cancer can be diagnosed with a metastasis even decades down the line, but no-one really understands why, and this was something I wasn’t aware of. However they can’t be sure if it is definitely a secondary cancer unless they put it under the microscope and that would involve surgery or a biopsy and they don’t want to do that. Why not? … my tumour is quite deep and pressing on the part of my brain that controls my balance and there could be a risk of making my symptoms worse or permanent – which could lead to me not being able to walk at all and that’s not a possibility! So because of my history they are taking it that it is – the treatment is the same and it is safer for me. So the decision’s been made. A no brainer really!! No pun intended!!

So what does this mean? .. Well we all know that secondary cancer of any type is not usually a good thing. It can be treated but rarely cured – so – we start treatment and see what happens.

What is the treatment? .. It’s called Gamma knife. This is a stereotactic radiosurgery which allows radiotherapy treatment to be given with pinpoint accuracy to small areas of my brain. As my neurologist said they are effectively blowing a hole in my brain! Lovely!! My treatment will be given over 3 sessions. I will need an MRI scan first to allow the team to pinpoint my treatment accurately and I will have a mask made to help hold my head still whilst treatment is given. No two treatments are the same so this is specifically designed for me dependant on the size and position of my tumour. The treatment can take from 30 minutes to 2 hours depending on the plan. Once treatment is finished I will be observed for about 30 minutes and then I can go home.

Side effects… Specific side effects depend on the location and are very unique to each person but usual side effects are tiredness, headache, nausea or vomiting, and possibly some worsening of your original symptoms. So it will be a wait and see. I have been pretty lucky in the past but this treatment is new so who knows!!

So I am going to the BRI tomorrow, Thursday 18th July for 7:00 a.m. to start the process and my first treatment. I am obviously apprehensive as I am not sure what to expect. I dont like being in the MRI scanner and the tight fitting mask is a bit daunting but Neil cant wait to take a picture of me in it so watch this space!!

How do I feel? … I’m not going to beat about the bush or sugar coat it. I felt like I had been hit by a train. A real kick to the stomach. Why is this happening to me again? I am not a terrible person. I don’t deserve this but no one can answer this question – not the doctors, oncologists, priests or god. Questioning this at this time only creates resentment, upset and negativity. None of which I plan to be. We need to look forward to the plan in hand and what I can do to start this fight – again.

I am going to tell you all something completely honest. When my oncologist gave me the news I looked at the floor and I wasn’t even really taking in what he was saying. I heard him saying ‘I’m so so sorry’ but I thought I don’t need this – I need to know if I am going to die. I interrupted him and asked him the question but he didn’t respond. When I asked him again he said ‘if I do nothing you will die but I am going to do everything I can to save your life’.
This hit home but it is a positive statement. He is going to help safe my life medically along with my fabulous neurologist and I will do everything I can to save my life by changing my diet, habits and lifestyle. I am not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me – you all know I certainly don’t want this current situation to change how my friends and family look at me or treat me. I have no intention of going anywhere – not yet – the outlook is a positive one.

HEY CANCER – YOU PICKED THE WRONG CHICK!

I have been taking CBD oil since October 2018. When I told someone close to me that I was taking CBD oil they looked at me with total surprise, or shock possibly, I don’t really know but the look in their eyes made me feel like I was a ‘drug’ addict! I thought at the time what a strange reaction and it made me feel as if I was doing something wrong but I didn’t really think anything of it until I met a friend whilst out shopping. Unfortunately she too has had Breast Cancer and we got chatting about all our aches and pains! I mentioned to her that I use CBD oil and she was really interested in giving it a try and from that discussion I knew that it’s nothing I should hide away or be worried about sharing, so I thought I would share it with you to help others understand what CBD oil actually is and how it has helped me and continues to do so.

What is CBD Oil? – CBD is another name for Cannabidiol, a compound found in the Cannabis plant. CBD is completely non-psychoactive – this means that is does not produce an effect (such as changes in perception or behavior) on the mind or mental state. This allows us to benefit from the many health properties of the Cannabis plant without “getting high.”

What is the difference between CBD oil and Cannabis (marijuana, weed etc) – Cannabis contains a compound called Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) which is famously known for producing cannabis’ mind-altering states. The CBD compound used in the oil does not have these psychoactive properties and therefore you cannot “get high” from using it.

How does it work? – there is a lot of information out on the web but basically it is how the cannabinoids found in CBD interacts with receptors throughout our body. Scientist have discovered that parts of our body systems are designed to work with cannabinoids and they can play an important part in our overall health and wellness.

Is it legal? – there is currently “a great deal of confusion around CBD oil in UK law”, with the vast majority of cannabinoids listed as controlled substances under the Misuse of Drugs Act. However, CBD is an exception as long as it contains no more than 0.2% THC – the psychoactive compound.

Okay – is that enough science and ‘big’ words – Yes I think so!! So basically – it is legal, it is not going to make you high, you are not taking cannabis as we have commonly come to know it and you won’t get arrested if you have it in your pocket – you are in fact benefiting from the scientifically proven health benefits of using the other parts of this plant.

Why did I try CBD oil? – after my chemo was finished and as I’ve previously commented on in my blog my body hurt, my joints ached and at time things could be a struggle! The joint pain is/was the worst and I had heard about CBD oil but was rather sceptical. After I spoke to a really knowledgeable guy in a health store in London when I was there in July 2018 I was convinced and gave it a go.

There are different makes and ‘blends’ of CBD oil. So which one did I choose? – I use ‘full spectrum’ CBD oil. Why this one? –  full spectrum CBD oil uses the whole plant and gives it advantages over other alternatives, without using any substitute ingredients, but all are equally as good.

How do you take it? – CBD can come in different forms  and in different varying strengths ranging from 5% to 50%. It can come in oil form, wax, creams, sprays and massage oils, capsules and vape liquid to name but a few and can also be used in cooking.  I use 20% oil which comes in a 10 ml bottle with a dropper and take 3 – 5 drops under my tongue both morning and evening. Drops or sprays under the tongue is one of the fastest ways to absorb CBD oil.

Does it have a taste? – Yes! CBD oil has a herbal taste which becomes stronger for the higher percentage concentrations. It is an acquired taste but you get used to it!!

What benefits have I felt/noticed etc?…  CBD oil has helped with my joint pain and my incredible hot flushes. I still have pain but it is not so pronounced and has allowed me to get back into the gym which in itself has helped massively. The hot flushes are more manageable and whilst I can still get very ‘warm’ they are not quite so  debilitating. One bottle lasts approximately a month and it is about £45 plus per 10 ml bottle. There are of course cheaper alternatives but I believe you need to pay for quality and I don’t mind paying if it is going to help.

Do I feel a difference if I don’t take it? … simple answer is absolutely yes! As I write this I have not been taking it regularly for a couple of weeks and my aches in my legs are returning and my hot flushes are quite overwhelming! When I stand up from sitting my hips take a while to get going and my knees ache – or is that just the fact I am getting old?!! Is it psychosomatic?!! I don’t honestly know – but if it helps, if it eases some anxiety, aches or flushes – then surely it is worth it. Isn’t it?

The decision to post this next blog was not an easy one and something I have thought long and hard about. I wasn’t going to share it, but it has played its part in who I was and who I am now. I decided to stop drinking on Monday 24th September 2018. It has now been 170 days since my last alcoholic drink. I don’t miss it at all and feel so much better for it and I certainly don’t miss the hangovers!! To be completely honest with you all I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and this was probably my main reason but there were other reasons for making my decision.  My cancer was hormone positive which means that the cancer cells fed off my hormones and they grew more quickly. I am on a hormone suppressant drug for at least 5 years as a continuing treatment to further reduce the risk of its return. Alcohol can increase your hormone levels, something I didn’t know, and so it seemed crazy to be taking a treatment to suppress them and continue to keep drinking alcohol!!

I was 16, just like many of us, when I had my first cider. I was horrendously sick and it was not a particularly nice experience!  It has long been a standing joke about how much the Irish tend to drink!! This is not an excuse, but alcohol was an acceptable, sociable thing to do and it was a part of my life from an early age. But it was never a concern. In hindsight my real relationship with alcohol started when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 34. After getting my results and hearing those words you never want to hear I went home and had several large glasses of white wine.

I would have a glass of wine to forget the bad, forget what I was going through, and then I would drink to celebrate, the end of a cycle of chemo, the end of radiotherapy, and then to celebrate the good, to relax or de-stress. A glass of wine in the evening became part of my daily routine and gradually over time the glasses got larger and became more frequent until it was a daily habit.

But over this last year I have come to realise that it is a very small price to pay to increase my chances of being here in 5 years, 10 years or more. I recently read an article about a similar woman who didn’t want to give up alcohol because she said if she did ‘the cancer had won’. And I get that. There are so many things out there on the big wide web that will say if you eat this, if you drink that it will increase your risk of cancer or alternatively if you don’t do this or do that you will reduce your risk. If you believed it all and took it all on board we wouldn’t eat or drink anything, wash our hair or our bodies in certain products, use talcum powder, deodorant or wear underwear bras!! The list is enormous and yes it can be scary. What do you do? Who do you believe? Will I or won’t I?

Everything you choose to do in life – whatever it may be, must be chosen because YOU want to do it, and not just because you think it is something you should do or because someone has told you to. If the decision is not your own you will always begrudge doing it or the person/people you feel you are doing it for. We all have the right to make our own decisions and YOU must live by your decisions.

I have come to a pause along this journey but it is one that will continue for a long time to come. And sometimes you may realise that you need a little help. There is never any shame in asking for help. I had the help and the support from an amazing close friend who is always there for me, but along the way I also had the help from an amazing hypnotherapist who helped me believe in myself again and helped me to take control of my ‘inner chimp’. I am making the right decisions for ME, to do everything I can to give my body the best chance. You never have to be alone along your journey’s path. You don’t have to do things all by yourself – you only need to ask.

Believe in yourself and you will be unstoppable.

I have been trying to post this next chapter for what seems like for ever!! There just doesn’t seem to be that ‘extra’ time as work life and home life interlink and it becomes the ‘norm’. But sometimes you have to stop, take a look around you and take stock.

Christmas has come and gone, and our lives, for most of us, returns to some form of ‘normality’. Christmas has become a distant memory but I hope you all had a good one, spent with family and loved ones, surrounded by things that make you feel happy and make you smile. What a year 2018 was and what will 2019 bring?

So here we are almost in the middle of February. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time goes by and how our lives take shape along the way. Time doesn’t stand still for any of us, no matter what we have to deal with. Time can be unkind, and for some of us running out, but yet the time you have to spend with your family and those you love and care about is the most important time you could ever have. Never take it for granted.

My New Year started  with a positivity that I haven’t had for some time and I am in a ‘good’ place. That positivity still continues and I am finding an inner strength I didn’t know I had or perhaps forgot I had. I am becoming more aware and starting to recognise my ‘stress’ triggers and their signs. For many of you who know me well will know that I was/am a rather stressed person! I would get stressed over the slightest little thing – some of which were rather petty and rather silly! But when we look back we can reflect and see our mistakes, our over reactions etc and it’s easy to ‘punish’ ourself for how we reacted in those situations. In everything we do in our lives, whether it be good or bad, we need to learn from it and move forward. Always look forward – to the next step, the next chapter, whatever that may be.

The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you have come.

 My one year ‘anniversaries’ since my diagnosis, my operation and starting my chemotherapy have past. I still find it hard to believe that I have fought Cancer twice now and I am still under the age of 50. In truth it is bloody scary and is with me every day. But my life continues to go on as if nothing has happened. Life is so precious and something  that many of us take for granted – Don’t. We don’t know what is around the corner and what will meet us on our path.

Now that my Cancer treatment journey has come to an end, my journey and my recovery still continues. I wear my scars with pride as they remind me every single day of what I have been through, what I have fought and how far I have come.

On the 14th February 2019 it will be 14 years since I had my first mastecomy and fight with cancer. I never ever thought that I would have to do it all again – but I did, and I’m here to tell my tale. This time round I feel like I have grown and developed as a person. I am different. Maybe I am older and wiser, maybe it was a bit of a been there done that attitude or just sheer determination to make a difference. I believe I am here for a reason. I’m still not sure what that is yet or what my role is to be, but I have had cancer twice now and I don’t want to do it again!

So what have I done? How am I different? That’s a whole new blog and would make this one too long! So watch this space.