It’s been a couple of months since I last wrote on here so I hope you are all well and getting ready for the Christmas period! I have finally finished putting my tree up after wanting it up since October!!  🎄🎅

One more week and it’s Christmas eve!!!

 I am doing well, feeling well and generally living life. I am in a good place at the moment but it has taken a few months to get here, with a lot of positive support from my family and friends. Thank you.

On Friday 30th November, 1 year ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had the same consultant and this time he just looked at me with a sad smile and said – “I think you know what I’m going to say..”. And there it was, in the blink of an eye, a breath taken in – I had Breast Cancer- again.

Now we are one year on and getting ready for Christmas again – and what a year it has been.

I still have up and down days and still can’t quite work out why I should feel so down now it’s over, it’s gone.

I have 1 more pound to lose and then I will be pre-cancer weight. It’s taken such a long time to get the weight off but I am slowly getting there. The bloatedness has almost gone and my face also no longer represents the moon!!

I am still taking Tamoxifen and the pain from the side effects are increasing – My hips, knees and back are constantly sore but it is mostly bearable, unlike today when i couldn’t get out of bed! 😕 I don’t like giving in, it’s not what I do,  but sometimes you have to.

I decided to give up alcohol 12 weeks ago. I did this for several reasons but the main one was for my health, reducing my risk of reoccurrence and my notes from the hospital which did advise ‘minimal’ alcohol! My cancer was ER positive which means my cancer cells were ‘fed’ by my hormones and encouraged them to grow – rapidly. Alcohol raises estrogen levels in the body and for breast cancer survivors, some early studies suggested, that for ER positive breast cancer, risk of recurrence may increase when a woman has more than one or two drinks per week.  I did enjoy a drink – as many of you will know! – but it is a small price to pay to help ensure that I will remain well and anything that helps to reduce the risk is worth it to continue to be here for my family. I have found some non-alcoholic wine, gin and fizzy prosecco which are very drinkable.

Don’t be afraid to admit you need help. I used to think (and still do to a certain extent) that if you had to ask for help or admit that you couldn’t do something on your own it was a failing. This is of course WRONG! I did eventually admit that I couldn’t quite do it all on my own (fairly recently infact). I battled with this but I’m beginning to accept that it’s not a weakness to ask someone for help or advice. In fact it can take a lot of courage to do so. No-one is super human – no matter what they think!

I had another tattoo done in October. You all know how I love my inspirational quotes and this one was given as a charm from a friend for my birthday. I loved it and the words meant a lot so I decided to have it tattooed on my shoulder. I know a lot of you don’t like tattoos (my mother will be appalled!) but this is for me and it’s very meaningful, as all my tattoos are – and I love it!!

So today is one year since my diagnosis, 11 months since my operation and 7 months since my final chemo.

And 1 weeks until Christmas!! I will write again before the festivities begin.

So we are more than half way through the year and the summer has finished. What a fabulous summer we have had and now look ahead towards the end of the year!! In fact there are 40 days until Halloween, 🎃 45 days until Bonfire night 🎆and 95 days till Christmas!!🎅🤶🎄

I have had a lovely two weeks in Spain and feel well and truly rested but it felt like I was gone for a long time. I was glad to come back to my girls, Murphy and Luna and getting things back to normal whatever my normal is.

Wednesday was the 19th September and I would have been celebrating 14 years clear following my first cancer.

Today – I am 18 weeks clear.

Since the end of my treatment I have had dark days and have felt very alone and isolated. I am not in a good place – BUT no more. You know me! Another day, another new beginning. I am turning a corner. I am feeling more positive, with a new energy and motivation. I can see what I want to achieve and who I want to become. I am one of the lucky ones and should be grabbing life with both hands.

No-one can do it for me – but me.

When you are faced with a potentially life threatening disease, particularly cancer these feelings are completely normal. It’s only after all the treatment has finished that you can actually take stock of what you have been through and it is a huge thing to grasp and come to terms with, but yet it’s all over and you should be getting back to normal and move on. This can be hard. What is ‘normal’?How can you just forget everything that you have been through? Move on? But you can and you will. Give yourself time to process things and no-one truly understands this reality more than a survivor.

Yes – I am a survivor and I am so grateful that for me life goes on. I am feeling well, my hair is growing back well (albeit grey and it’s starting to curl!!) The hot flushes are still over whelming and I am still bloated from the steroids but it’s a small price to pay. I have started back at the gym, going back to Weight Watchers so this is the start of my new chapter and who knows where it will take me.

I know it is a cliche but life really is too short and you don’t know what is around the corner. You need to grab life with both hands and as my daddy said “life is not a dress rehearsal”.

It’s been a while since I posted and so this post is a bit out of date but I will still share it as it is showing me in a more darker place and how I was feeling after the treatment has come to an end.

It has been two months since my final chemo and one month since starting Tamoxifen.

So how do I feel?

Physically generally very well. I am still experiencing joint pain particularly my hips back and knees. I am constantly hot! Sometimes its so bad I feel sick and very faint. I have fans everywhere I go!! This is a side effect of Tamoxifen.

Mentally is a bit more difficult. I saw my oncologist who explained Tamoxifen as I described in my previous post. And then that was it. I’m on my own and now I feel lost. I feel alone and I am scared. What do I do now? After months of doctors, nurses, consultants, etc being involved and now all of a sudden this stops; it is a scary feeling. The realisation of what I have been through since November 2017 slowly begins to sink in and it has had a huge impact on me. I have had cancer twice. Yes they have taken the cancer away and Ive had chemo but has it really gone? This feeling makes me feel quite vulnerable, unsure and scared.

Yes I am well and I am getting on with my life but its constantly on my mind, in the back of my head. I don’t say anything. I smile, I say I’m fine and I carry on.

I’ve been here before – yes I have and the feelings are still the same. I beat it once and I was 13 years clear and now I’ve beaten it a second time, but what if it comes back somewhere else. This is never far from my mind.

I am still hugely positive and thankfully these dark moments don’t happen very often – but they are never far away. I have so much to do and so much to give and  I don’t intend to be leaving for a very long time!

Today is a new day. A new chapter to begin and who knows where my story will take me next…..

I will be back!

 

It is 32 weeks since I found my lump, 30 weeks since my diagnosis, 25 weeks since my operation and 6 weeks since I had my final chemo treatment.

So the treatment is over and so now I should be back to ‘normal’ and getting on with my life. I’m well and I’m OK now. Hooray! It’s over. That’s it. BUT is it…

It can take your body up to six months or more to recover from the effects of chemo. I am still having joint pain particularly in my back and left hip and I am also still incredibly tired. I have become used to these now and I don’t complain but it is still an on-going side effect. I am also still very bloated from the steroids and I am told that this can take up to six months to settle. Having chemo this time has brought on menopausal symptoms and I haven’t had a period since January. (Sorry gents!) I have had hot flushes like you wouldn’t imagine and now that the chemo is finished the symptoms still continue!! I don’t know if I will continue in to the menopause or if things will return to normal – but I am a lady of certain age!! This heat is hard to deal with. I am constantly hot and sweaty – I don’t have any hair or eyebrows to help soak it up!!  So I am still suffering the effects of chemo even though it’s all over.

My hair is coming back – is it grey? is it white? is it brown?! is it blonde?! I’m not quite sure but I am no longer wearing my turbans – so watch this space!! I still have no eyebrows and very few eyelashes so hopefully they will start to grow back soon. You don’t really appreciate what your eyebrows and eyelashes do until you don’t have them! We all know that they act as barriers and protect your eyes from sweat, grit, dirt etc. But since they have gone I really notice the difference and sweat really stings your eyes!!

Last week I started taking my hormone tablets Tamoxifen.

What is Tamoxifen? – Tamoxifen is a type of hormone (endocrine) therapy used to treat breast cancer in both pre-menopausal women (women who have not yet gone through the menopause) and post-menopausal women.

Why is Tamoxifen prescribed? – Tamoxifen can be used to treat primary breast cancer. It is usually given as an additional treatment following surgery, to reduce the risk of breast cancer returning in the same breast or a new breast cancer developing in either breast.

I no longer have any breast tissue so why do I need to take Tamoxifen? –  I have done quite a lot of research on this and the other use for me taking Tamoxifen is to reduce the risk of breast cancer spreading somewhere else in the body. Causing a secondary cancer. My cancer fed off my hormones which made them grow much faster so the Tamoxifen helps to reduce my hormone levels.  So I understand the reason why now but what are the risks?

Like all drugs they all have their side effects – some are not too bad but some can be quite debilitating and have a huge impact on your daily life. My oncologist explained that the two serious side effects I must be aware of are the increased risk of a DVT (Deep vein thrombosis) and the increased risk of endocrine cancer (womb). Holy shit! This did knock me a bit. Why do I want to take a tablet that could give me another cancer? Research out there says it can be 1 in 500 women who go on to develop womb cancer other research says it is 1 in 1000. So I need to delve a little deeper.

The common side effects of Tamoxifen are nausea, headaches, joint pain, hot flushes, fatigue, depression and many more!! So far I haven’t felt sick or had any headaches but the pain in my joints is pretty bad. My hips are really sore particularly if I am sat down for any length of time. When I move I feel like a old woman and sometimes I cant move at all. I am a medical secretary so I am sat at my computer for the majority of the day!! But I move at least once in the hour thanks to my fit bit reminding me!! I am OK once I get going but that initial pain can be quite intense. Neil doesn’t want me to take them and there are lots of questions to ask my oncologist when I see them in a couple of months.

So I will continue to take the tablets and carry on as I am and see how things develop over the coming months.

 

After my last chemo finished I decided to take a break and go and see my Mummy Flo, sister Shelley, brother-in-law Glenn and nephew Will in Paphos for a week. (2 weeks after my treatment). I hadn’t seen them for 3 years, which is way too long. I speak to them every week and more so during this journey, but its not the same as seeing them face to face.

I was about an hour delayed but it was so nice to see Shelley, Glenn and Will waiting for me. Glenn, my brother-in-law has had throat cancer in the last 2 years and still has regular check-ups. It was so good to see him looking so well.

We shared a few tears and set of to see mum at home. It was a lovely reunion and we laughed, cried and talked about everything that had happened to our family over the past couple of years. Their weather was warm but during that day they had had thunder and lightning! I’d left a sunny Bristol!!

The next couple of days were a bit overcast but warm and gradually towards the end of the week it was a very hot and sweaty 41° with 80% humidity!! Way to hot for me to sunbathe!!  We had a lovely time but by Wednesday I  thinks things were catching up with me – the travel, heat, late nights etc and had a couple of ropey days. I think I maybe went over a bit too soon, and should have given myself a bit more recovery time but it was great to see them all and I did have a lovely relaxing time.

So – to the journey home.. !!!

In a nutshell my flight was 2 hours delayed to begin with and nobody had a clue what was going on! The majority of British flights were delayed and the airport was heaving. When it came to boarding no-one knew where to go, what flight was where, there was no communication. We eventually got on our plane and left almost 3 1/2 hours late. I eventually landed in Bristol at 4.20 a.m. Cyprus time (2.20 a.m.) and got back to my house at 3.00 a.m. U.K time. I had been travelling for 11 hours. I was knackered and slept very well!!

So my weeks holiday was at an end!

This week marks 30 weeks since I found my lump, 28 weeks since my diagnosis and 23 weeks since my operation.

 

 

 

 

 

This week marks 27 weeks since I first found my lump, 25 since my breast cancer diagnosis and 20 weeks since my operation.

Friday 18th May was my final chemotherapy and PICC line removal. I can’t believe we are finally at this last stage – it seems a long time since that diagnosis 25 weeks ago and a lot of appointments and treatments have happened but yet it seems to be over so quickly.

Neil and the girls came with me for the final infusion and I was really glad they were all there. I could sense they were a little nervous and to be honest so was I – I really didn’t want another reaction!! I had all the pre-meds to make sure it wasn’t going to happen and there was rather a lot of it! Two big infusions of steroids and one of antihistamine. The antihistamine made me feel really sleepy but generally I was feeling good. The last chemo infusion went well with no problems. All the time the girls were watching, checking I was OK, asking if I was alright, seeing if I needed anything. It then came to me that this was the first time the girls had seen me like this – hooked up and watching the drugs go in. How did they feel? What did it make them think about? I have mentioned it previously but the people who are fighting this bloody awful disease go through the motions, but we, I, can forget what affect it is having on our family and loved ones around us. They are completely helpless and just have to stand by and watch. No matter how old our children are, they are still our children and they are watching their ‘mummy’ going through the treatment, seeing the side effects and its not nice.

The final drip went in and that was it. Over. No more chemo! One more final week of self injecting to keep my immune system boosted and then that’s it.

My nurse came over and said she was going to take me PICC line out. Was there going to be another saga?!! – Neil and Lara left and the nurse said that’s good as she didn’t want any fainters!! Amy stayed with me but I tightly shut my eyes and held my breathe! The line itself came out OK and I didn’t really feel anything. The PICC was held in place by two small metal hooks which needed removed. One came out quite easily and only stung a little but in true Ali style the other one got stuck – so a little bit of wiggling had to be done!! But it was fine. And that is that.

It was quite an emotional moment – 7 months of dealing with cancer, operations, the uncertainty, being scared and all the emotions you could ever imagine had now come to an end. It is over. It is a very strange feeling – a good one – but its strange. What do I do now? How can I just go back to being Ali? To being normal? But life goes on.

We didn’t really celebrate as such. I was and still am so very tired – much more so now than previously. The weekend was a fairly quiet one and I went to support Lara doing Tough Mudder on Saturday with her boyfriend and was so proud of them. They did so well and it was a really nice atmosphere.

One of my closest friends bought me a Pandora charm for my birthday which had these words on it – “Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly free”. This is so apt and the girls have adopted it as our new family motto! I think this may also be my next tattoo!! I again am so completely overwhelmed by the support on Facebook to my girls posts and I feel that I am one very lucky lady – not only to have beaten cancer for the second time but also to the support and friendships I clearly have.

The doctors will never give you the ‘all clear’ but they cut my cancer out, took 16 lymph nodes with only 1 affected and 6 cycles of chemotherapy to kill any little rogue cells that may have ‘got away’ – so today – I am cancer clear. And this is something I aim to be for a long long time to come.

This might get a little deep! – I am only 48 and have been told to have had cancer twice at this ‘young’ age is fairly rare. I don’t want to have it a third time. I still want to be here in another 30 years – and even then 78 is still ‘young’. I want to enjoy my old age and my grand children and not to have it cut short. I am one of the lucky ones and I am hugely thankful, but I am always mindful of those who have not had that same luck and whose time has been taken way to short.

I have done some research into breast cancer (well quite a lot really!) and it has been scientifically proven that there are definite links with alcohol and breast cancer. Now as many of you know I do like a little drink! – but did I cause my cancer by drinking alcohol? Neil said all those weeks ago “what have you done to get cancer a second time?” Is this the reason? Did I do it to myself? It is a scary and indeed sobering thought. So many things that we eat and drink have links to cancer and we can’t deprive ourselves of everything, but if it means that I will stay cancer free then it is a small price to pay.

Life is precious and should be cherished. You really don’t know what is around the corner. One of my daddy’s friends used to say regularly “Ali, life is not a dress rehearsal”. And that is so true. Live everyday to the full, be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and never go to sleep on an argument – because you really just don’t know.

So what happens now…

I see my oncologist next week to discuss my tablet medication that I will be on for at least 5 years – if not more. These tablets suppress my hormones and of course they come with their own set of side effects including bringing on an early menopause, joint pain and weight gain!! Oh joy!! But if it helps reduce my risk of cancer returning then surely it’s worth it.

This is not the end of my blog and my new chapter is only just beginning so I will keep writing. There is so much more to tell, to say and to do. Thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way. I know I have seemed strong and positive all the time but there have been dark moments and it has been with your support and the support of my family and friends that I have made it to this point today.

Thank you and keep reading!!

 

 

 

 

After my very gloomy last post I promise this one will be slightly more upbeat!

We went away for the weekend to a lovely cottage in Devon. It was a very quiet village with only 250 residents. But it was just what I needed following on from last week. A few days to sit, chill, read, go for a walk, or do whatever I wanted. And the sun shone!! Even better. The people were so friendly and I did properly relax for a couple of days.

Yesterday was my 48th birthday. I really don’t feel that old. I know 48 isn’t old but I am getting on a bit!!! I don’t really mind getting older as each birthday I celebrate is a reminder that I am still here, another year on.

I had some beautiful and very thoughtful gifts. I am blessed to have such wonderful friends and family who have kept me going through this difficult time.

Today is also my eldest daughter’s birthday – she is 23. I don’t know were the time has gone and it only seems like yesterday that I held her in my arms for the first time. She is an amazing young lady and has been so strong through all of this and thankfully she has some amazing friends who have helped support her. I think I have said it in an earlier post but it is so easy to forget about the family and friends who are watching their loved ones go through this difficult time and not being able to help. I am thankful every day and so proud of both my girls and perhaps don’t recognise them enough for what they do and how they must be feeling. You can become so wrapped up in your own feelings, thoughts, pain, etc. that you forget about those closest to you.

Since last week the side effects haven’t been too bad. I have had back ache and back spasms but they have been manageable. I have a cold – I think – or it could be hay fever – I’m not sure!! Since my treatment began I have constantly had a bunged up nose and coldy symptoms but nothing ever came of it – it was just always there – but now I am streaming!! First time I have been ‘normally’ unwell in such a long time!!

Today I went to Penny Brohn in Pill. Previously known as the Bristol Cancer Help Centre it was set up by Penny Brohn and  Pat Pilkington in 1983. Penny Brohn, grew up in Bristol and was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1979. She knew instinctively that she needed more than just care and treatment for her body.  She recognised that she needed to care equally for her, “mind, spirit, emotions, heart and soul”.

Penny Brohn UK is the leading UK charity specialising in a whole person approach to cancer, known as the Bristol Whole Life Approach. They show people how healthy eating, staying active, managing their stress and reconnecting with the things they love can make a big difference to their health and wellbeing. They have doctors, nutritionists, therapists and counsellors who are there to support people like me – and their families. They offer massage, counselling, relaxation techniques, meditation, yoga, 1:1 sessions for lots of different things and healthy eating cooking demonstrations to name just a few. They bring together both medical advice and complementary approaches to find the best of what works for each individual and help them find what they need, to live as well as they can.

I enjoyed today and it was good to be able to share experiences with other people who like me are going through cancer and treatment all at different stages. It was very interesting and informative particularly a short dvd we watched about the science of cancer.

During my first cancer back in 2005 I wasn’t aware of this charity and there was very little emotional support for me particularly after my treatment had finished so to find somewhere like Penny Brohn who support you no matter where you are on your journey is an amazing comfort – you are not on your own. I will definitely be signing up for a couple of things.

Before I finish I found out this weekend that a friend and neighbour has been diagnosed with bladder cancer. It is so completely unfair. Cancer doesn’t care who you are, it’s a bastard and as my friend said “its just fucking shite”. (excuse the language). There isn’t much else I can say about that.  However, on another note, a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer just after me had chemo first before her operation and she told me today her lump has gone and surgery is in July. I am so happy for her and she is an amazing woman fighting the fight. Like so many of us.

Today I am 48 years old. It has been 25 weeks since I found my lump. 23 weeks since my diagnosis and 18 weeks since my operation.

God bless and look after one another.

 

 

Well I wasn’t expecting this …

I arrived in oncology in good time – a little apprehensive about this 2nd cycle of Docetaxel (but 5th cycle in total). My nurse Tasha explained that although it was my 2nd cycle I could still have an allergic reaction and pointed out the things I needed to look out for, but she said if it happened I would know as my body would definitely tell me things weren’t right. She said she would sit with me for 10 minutes but needed to get something first. I felt fine and I said to Neil its like we’re waiting for something to happen. Within seconds something changed…

I started to have a bit of a stomach ache and said to Neil I didn’t feel very well, then the pain quickly intensified and I had bright lights flashing in front of my eyes. I said “No Neil I really dont feel well” so I pressed the emergency button and within seconds there were about 8 nurses around me. My lips and fingers were tingling, then my lips went numb. I was very hot and my face was flushed. I was short of breath with such an opressive feeling on my body. Simultaneously the nurses kept talking to me and saying it would soon ease whilst they started to counteract the reaction. One nurse was stopping the chemo drug going in, one was taking my blood pressure (it was completely through the roof), one was taking my oxgyen levels, and one was injecting huge amounts of steroids and antihistamine into me. All the time the pain and side effects were intensifying and I think I might have been crying – I dont recall – I was trying to concentrate on my breathing and thankfully due to the nurses very quick responses I started relaxing after a few minutes but it seemed like ages. Once the side effects were easing I was put back onto a saline drip for 30 mins and had to wait to see the doctor. I was crying then.

It was very scary, painful and it completely took over me. I had no control over anything except trying to concentrate on my breathing. I didn’t even think about Neil. He just had to get out of the way and watch.

Once we knew the side effects were easing and they knew I was out of trouble, the other nurses left to see to their own patients whilst Tasha stayed with me to monitor me further. She said that reactions to the 2nd dose of Docetaxel were fairly common. She said that your body tolerates the first lot but then builds up antibodies so when it is administered for the second time the body can say ‘eh no way’ and then the reaction occurs. She left me for a bit whilst Neil and I tried to process what had happened but she was constantly checking in. I didn’t know what to feel – what had just happened to me – it all happened so fast and it was so intense. It was all over in minutes, but it was an absolutely horrible thing to experience.

The doctor came to see me and asked me what had happened. Again I explained and he also said that reactions during the 2nd cycle were fairly common. He said that they would start to re-administer the drug at a much slower pace and gradually increase it over the course of an hour and a half if I was happy to proceed, which I said yes I was.

So Tasha came to make sure I was ok and she checked with me again that I was ready to give it another go. I said yes so I was hooked back up to have the drug re-administered at a much slower pace. I was naturally concerned, although I had been told that a further reaction was very unlikely with the preventative medication in my system and thankfully it was OK. So after an hour and a half the final drip of Docetaxel was administered. I was then put back on the saline drip for a further 30 minutes. So my treatment started at 2:00 p.m. and I left at 5:15 p.m.

When Tasha came back I smiled at her and she said “there’s my smile back, I was worried about you”. I don’t know how severe my reaction was to what other’s may experience but I felt extremely grateful that I had that group of nurses looking after me with such efficiency.

I don’t want to scare or worry anyone who may ever have to go on Docetaxel, but I think it is important to tell everyone just how quickly it happens and you will definitely know if you’re having a reaction. It doesn’t happen to everyone – but it could.

Today (Saturday) I am very tired and feeling washed out and a bit sick, but I’m ok. My stomach is very swollen and that’s probably due to not only my normal steroids I have to take but also due to the huge injection they had to give me. But it is a small price to pay.

I have another week of injections and today’s went well. I have one more chemo to go. They will give me the preventative medication first and the final infusion at the slower rate over a longer period – and then that’s my chemo finished.

What happens then? …..

Well here I am – 23 weeks on since I first found my lump; 21 weeks since my diagnosis and 16 weeks since my operation.

It all seems a long time ago since 30th November 2017 when I heard those heart sinking words – “It’s cancer” but yet here I am preparing for my penultimate chemo on Friday.

I’m not feeling great but that could be apprehension as I know now what roughly to expect. However, since my last post a few more side effects have developed. I have now lost my taste. I can just about distinguish sweet and savoury but I cannot tell what it is. I have made a chilli tonight for dinner and did my usual taste tasting and can’t taste a thing! Neil said it was quite spicy but still I couldn’t take anything. I also can’t taste raw onions! My fingertips are going numb – it’s that feeling when you have been to the dentist and the feeling is just starting to coming back. And the last thing that has happened so far is that my eye brows are almost gone and my eye lashes are little stumps!! They don’t look too bad with a little mascara on them but I have 2 sessions to go so don’t expect them to stay much longer!!

I still have a little joint pain but this is so improved from last week. I no longer have a headache – so all better in time for cycle 5!!

I had yesterday (Tuesday) off as a days leave and spent the morning with hospital appointments. I had another heart scan to make sure it’s still beating away! and then I saw my oncologist with blood tests in preparation for Friday. When I spoke to my oncologist she mentioned radiotherapy and I thought “Oh God please no” but it had been decided that I don’t need radio. Thank god! So everything is on track for Friday at 2:00 p.m. Unfortunately my oncologist is leaving the trust and going back home (I think she is from Spain) but she will see me through my final chemo. I will then need to go on Tamoxifen for approximately 5 years and this will be monitored by a new oncologist. I suppose I will find out more at my last appointment.

So I am still very bloated and uncomfortable and I weighed myself this morning and since my initial weight gain I haven’t gained any more. But I start my steroids tomorrow for the next 3 days so I will have to wait and see if I gain any more. I know that I will lose this weight after my treatment has finished but I have always been conscious of my weight and am very self-conscious of my own bloatedness.  But I am here and still fighting and for that I am very thankful.

 

Following on from my previous post I am still bloated and uncomfortable. Hopefully this will start to reduce before my next lot of chemo is due on 27th April.

I still have the aches and pains etc. but the worst part is the back pain and the fact that I have a continuous headache and sore neck. After publishing my last post I had a very difficult night on Wednesday. I’m not sleeping again and when I do I wake up early. I was up at 3:30 a.m. on Thursday morning and had a temperature of over 38 degrees. My back was in spasm, my head was pounding and I was in tears. A moment of feeling very sorry for myself. I should have gone to the hospital but although I was in pain I knew that there wasn’t anything seriously wrong so I took some painkillers and thankfully had a couple more hours sleep and felt a bit better when I woke. My nurse told me that I should have phoned the hospital and that if I had a temperature again that is what I have to do! Tut tut – knuckled wrapped and duly noted! But in hindsight I really wasn’t well and I should have followed the guidelines. Hopefully there wont be a next time but if there is then I will do the correct thing!!

As I tried to previously explain I cant really put my finger on how I am really feeling – but I know I am suffering with some mild side effects but I don’t feel ‘ill’. Certainly not ill enough to make me stop my day to day normal life or having to go to bed, but is more difficult and takes a lot more effort. I don’t like feeling like this, it’s not me, and it is hard to keep going when you are in pain the majority of the time and constantly tired.

My emotions are so close to the surface. It doesn’t normally take me much to cry but now I can almost cry on request! I went out with my girls yesterday to do some retail shopping and I cried about 5 times – not about anything specific but just had tears for no real reason!!

Today I had a competition in Sherbourne. It was an early start – picked up at 6:00 a.m. and late home – 8:30 p.m. However it was a good day as we came away with 1 gold medal and 2 silver medals. I was so proud of our gymnasts and it was good to see our hard work paying off. The parents and other coaches there were so supportive I actually felt like a bit of a fraud, but it is lovely to know that I have so many people looking out for me. So although it was a very long day it was a fulfilling one and it was a lovely way to end what has been a particularly difficult week for me.

I am hoping that I will begin to pick up over this week in preparation for my next chemo – so I am well and on form to start this cycle again. I don’t want to have chemo when I am not 100% as it may make me feel worse and as I’ve said before I am not used to feeling like this! But I will have to wait and see, and again it’s the fear of the unknown creeping in again.

Well that’s a quick update on things. I am now going to go to bed as I am actually shattered after today and it’s Monday tomorrow – so off to work!

Take care everyone and look after each other.