Today marks 4 weeks since my operation. Things have moved pretty fast and it can often be a lot to take in and process. The grade of your cancer, were any lymph nodes affected, what is the best treatment for these results and what does it all mean.

I had my first chemotherapy last Thursday 25th January 2018. I am now day 6 post cycle 1.

What is chemotherapy? – in a nutshell it is a concoction of toxic drugs (or sometimes just one drug on its own) which destroys the cancer cells – but it also destroys the good cells causing a whole host of possible side effects. Chemo affects everyone differently even if they are on the same drugs. Some people breeze through and can wonder what all the fuss is about – others are very sick with lots of side effects and some just get by. There is no right way or wrong way to deal with chemo. Listen to your body – if you feel well do something you like – if you don’t feel well- don’t do anything. Does this sound like I am belittling what chemo is? Not at all – we all have our coping mechanisms – and this is mine.

What does chemo mean to me? – I am having a treatment called FEC-T. Quite apt really as I have nicknamed it Feck!! I have previously mentioned that I will lose my hair due to ‘my old friend’ and this is still posing very traumatic for me. Yes I know it will grow back, Yes I know it is only temporary but to me it is such a visual thing and I am struggling. You can hide the loss of a breast and no one would know what you are going through and yes whilst you can wear a wig and trendy bandanas or turbans – everyone knows – everyone sees – and then they stop seeing me for who I really am and see me as a cancer patient.

When should I notice? – The chemo works fairly quickly so I should start to notice some hair loss after day 18 (day 14 first time round) and usually by the second cycle is it virtually gone. First time round my hair started growing back after about 3 months but both my chemo regimes cause hair loss so I am looking at no hair for the full time of my treatment.

How do I feel after day 6? – Physically – I am doing well. Thank god for my PICC line because I didn’t have to go through the finding of a vein etc. which was always difficult for me first time round. I came home with a concoction of drugs – anti sickness tablets, steroids, tablets incase I got constipated, mouth wash incase my mouth gets sore and a load of others. I took the tablets that ‘I had to take’ and thankfully I did not and still don’t feel sick or have been sick.

Mentally – well that’s another story! I am still very positive and I know I will beat it again but my mood has been really low. Why? – I really don’t know that answer. I am very tired which is probably because I have not been sleeping very well since my op (4hrs max) but I’m sure its also due to the chemo and my processing of my new schedule for the next 6 months. Yesterday (Tuesday) was a really good day – I felt like the old Ali – so here’s to moving forward.

Extras! – An extra addition this time is that for 7 days after each chemo I need to self administer an injection into my tummy which helps to boost my immune system. I was told I would have an injection but not that I had to give it to myself! I watched a DVD and came home with 7 pre-filled syringes. I really didn’t know if I could do this myself. I am such a cry baby and I really hate needles and have to look away – So – I hear you say – this is day 6 – what’s the update?!

Thank god for my youngest daughter who is just amazing. She has injected me every day and whilst I know it is a lot to put on her and she finds it a bit freaky injecting her mum I couldn’t do it without her.

Finally – I have chosen my wig with the help of my eldest daughter and my husband. Well – I think they probably chose it although I do agree with their choice! When I said earlier about wigs and people knowing, that is not necessarily the case as my wig looks super – it looks natural and not like a wig at all, it moves naturally and very similar to my style now. I am actually quite looking forward to wearing it for the first time. But – it is the way it makes me feel – I know – my friends know – why is this so hard to come to terms with?

I know I haven’t posted anything for a while but to be honest sometimes there isn’t anything to say. Life goes on regardless and it doesn’t stand still for anyone – me included.

What is a PICC line? – It stands for a ‘peripherally inserted central venous catheter’ which helps to administer treatment such as chemotherapy, intravenous antibiotics or taking blood etc. more easily over an extended period of time.

I was scared and anxious and to be honest it’s the fear of the unknown. I spoke to a friend who has also had a PICC line and whilst this made me feel a little easier I was still scared.

So – what happened? I met the specialist nurse who explained everything that was going to happen. I’m not going to lie I did have a few tears – I’m such a scaredy cat but I quickly got over it and got on with it!! I was worrying way more than I needed to be! The nurses were fab and the worse part was the local anesthetic injection which was fairly stingy.

During the procedure I was reclined on what I likened to a dentist chair. They used my right arm and that was out to the side. I of course lay there with my eyes firmly shut! Whilst the PICC line was being inserted I heard the nurse say “are you alright?” and then she said it again. I opened my eyes to look in the direction of where my husband was sat and his head was between his knees!! I smiled and closed my eyes again! He apologised to the nurse and after a moment or so he said he needed to lie on the floor as he thought he may pass out. He kept apologising all the time and said he felt really embarrassed. I am not taking the mickey out of him and I know that people can find things like this very uncomfortable and it affects everyone in different ways but to me it was a moment of amusement and a little thought of it would have to happen to us!! It lightened the situation of what I was going through even though he could have passed out!! He didn’t! As he was lying on the floor he said quite loudly “Ali are you OK?” and my response was “I’m fine love”.

The nurse said to me that it was all finished and that I had done very well!! My husband was sat on the chair again but he was grey in colour and as I got up he said he was going to pass out again so they got him onto the ‘dentist’ chair and raised his legs. I sorted myself out, put my jumper on, my coat on and sat in the chair that was originally for him! After a few minutes he was ready to get up and leave and we thanked the nurses for looking after both of us!!

On a serious note I am not trying to make him look like a fool or to make fun of him. He is my rock; such an amazing supportive person and I love him very much but I know that he can find some things like this difficult. It can’t be nice watching what was happening to me in order for the doctor’s to administer my chemo more easily which will help save my life and he can do nothing to help me, make me feel any more secure or take away any of my anxieties or fears.

All too often the main focus can be on the patient and what they are going through, but this time I am much more aware of what my family might be feeling and what they might be going through. Of course I won’t know for sure as they will try and protect me and say that everything is fine. Communication is so important – not just at times likes this but in everyday life – to help us with our work colleagues, our bosses, our husbands/wives or family and friends. Don’t leave it and think everything is OK. Relationships of all kind need communication and cooperation.

 

 

I saw my oncologist yesterday morning. To be honest the way my surgeon was talking Chemo was not a foregone conclusion and so I didn’t really know what I was expecting – but I am going to have Chemo again. 6 cycles in total and hormone treatment after that. No mention of radiotherapy but I am not ruling that out either at the moment!

My oncologist was a lovely woman and very empathetic – so refreshing as they must have to be so hardened to their emotions that they can almost come across as being insensitive and uncaring. But not mine. I knew I was going to lose my hair again as the first part of the treatment has the same drug as before – as my oncologist said “my old friend”. But when she said it out loud I got upset and cried. I haven’t cried at all really through this whole thing so far. I am strong – I beat it once and I will do so again – but losing your hair is so visual and I just find that bit really hard to deal with. My oncologist got me tissues and put both her hands round mine and said “I’m so sorry” – which made me cry even more!! Any way – it is what it is and I will deal with it and I know it will grow back. On a positive side my eldest daughter is quite looking forward to choosing my wig for me – yes – for me!! God knows what she will pick! Keep a look out for photos!

I know that I seem to be making comparisons a lot and don’t mean to be flippant or to come across as if I know it all.  I so definitely don’t know anything really. I can only compare what is happening to me this time as to what happened 13 years ago. It’s a bit of preparation for what can happen but this time my Cancer is so different and not at all linked or the same. But to have this disease once is bad enough so to have it for a second just seems so unreal, so unfair and I can’t believe that I am going to go through it all again.  Are these thoughts selfish? Unrealistic? Inappropriate? – Perhaps.

My oncologist said my chemo would probably start in February to allow me a couple more weeks to recover – however, I got a phone call today to say that my first chemo is next Thursday 25th January. I am having a PICC line inserted on Wednesday 24th January as I have had lymph removal on both sides. How do I feel? – I’m worried, a bit scared of the procedure and the fact that it is going to be in situ for 6 months is a little worrying. Has anyone else had a PICC line? How did you manage? How did you shower?!

So it’s full steam ahead and Chemo should hopefully be finished by the end of May early June.